A Time to Reflect

Christmas is now just days away.  

I find myself reflecting a lot at this time of year...each year.  I'm reminded of how amazing it is that God chose to send His Son to us in such a miraculous way.  I'm reminded of the beautiful details of that story...and of how much God loves me because of His gift of Jesus to me and to you.  I'm reminded of God's faithfulness to me...He provides daily, His love is unending, His provisions for me and for my life are unimaginable.  God fills me with all I need.  

This time of year is not just all happy, mushy-gushy, though.  This time of year reminds me of what it can feel like to wait, to hurt, to long for something, to wish, to be in pain, to dream, to desire, to wonder, to feel unfulfilled.  

During our years of infertility, Christmas time was much harder for me than I ever imagined.  It was difficult for me to see pictures, hear songs, and be reminded of the Christmas story details of Mary carrying a baby in her belly and giving birth to Jesus.  That first Christmas after learning we were unable to have children biologically hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was very emotional.  Very sad.  Yet, thankful still.  It was a bittersweet feeling and time of year for me.  

By the grace of God and through the prayers of many, we pressed on, desiring to still serve God, to still hope.  

And...As time went on, and our journey led us down the path to adopt, and we were able to grieve and heal in ways only God could help us through...I began to see Christmas differently again.  Although it was still hard for me because we were still waiting with empty arms and an empty heart for our child, I was able to re-shift my focus back on the true meaning, the true reason...for Christmas.  

In the Fall of 2010, our world...and everything that seemed normal...changed.  For the good.  Forever.  God blessed us with our daughter.  November 2010.  When we found out this news and brought our daughter home, my thoughts and feelings towards Christmas became much more emotional again.  This time, I was filled with feelings of incredibly deep thankfulness.  For His provision.  His plan.  Christmas 2010 is a bit of a blur because of the sleepless nights of having a newborn...but I wouldn't change the timing of our daughter.  I see it as God's perfect timing to slowly change those difficult feelings towards Christmas into feelings of reflection and gratefulness.  Reminding me that He is the focus at Christmas time...not what I want or think I need, not what gifts I'll give or receive, not how busy I'll be...but that He is ALL I NEED.  

Fast-forward to now.  Our daughter is newly two years old.  She's filled with ambition and exploration.  She's busy.  She's joyful and silly.  This Christmas comes with lots of anticipation...because of Mya.  We're counting down the days with her...using a very simple Advent calendar.  Yet, she's filled with such excitement when I remind her that we need to go open the new window in the calendar for each day.  She stops everything she's doing and runs to that calendar.  She points with excitement to baby Jesus, to Mary, to Joseph, to the star, and to Gabriel.  She even attempts to say "Bethlehem"...but is usually able to successfully pronounce "BEFF-lem."  We haven't really talked up the whole Santa thing...but somehow little ones just seem to know about him.  She even points to Santa (on TV, in stores, on cards) with as much excitement as she does towards her favorite furry friend, Elmo.  Mya's love and excitement fills our home with a great enthusiasm towards Christmas and the birth of Jesus.  God has taken this opportunity to use our daughter as a way for me to refocus on the excitement of Christmas time, too.  

Christmas may not be easy for you.  There's a lot of junk going on in the world, in our communities, in our families.  Some things are just so hard to deal with...to face.  Some things are beyond difficult to understand.  I don't know all of the answers.  I never will.  I don't pretend to even remotely understand the stuff of this life.  But what I do know is that there is hope in Jesus.  There is life in Jesus.  And Christmas time is a great reminder to me of that life and hope in Him.  No matter what you're facing today...what questions are still left unanswered...what relationships are still hurting or are broken...may you know you are loved and cared for.  May you know that God desires to have a relationship with you and to help you grow in your understanding of Him.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  We're all on a journey.  May your journey include the gift of Jesus.  God's son.